Sharing the Journey

 

I feel I have changed more in the past 5 years personally, emotionally, and spiritually more than in any other time period in my life.  To some this change appears to have happened overnight.  It may seem one day I woke up and proclaimed, “I no longer believe this/that” and the me as they “thought” they knew vanished and they were left wondering “who are you and where is my daughter/friend/etc.?”  This is mainly in part because I kept all the growing and changing unseen and on the inside of me.  I would slowly share and bounce ideas and opinions off those closest to me like my husband or kids, but for the most part my questioning and pondering took place out of view from most I knew.

 I was raised in a religious tradition of absolutes.  You had to absolutely believe one thing and be prepared to argue and fight and defend that belief.  In Christian schools of my upbringing, they literally teach kids how to defend their faith and have them prepared for every counterpoint they could be presented against.  It is safe to say there was not much room given to the doubts and questions.  You should be 110% sure and know why.  Some may have perceived this religious culture differently; this is just my take and perception.  If you grow up thinking you need to hold certain beliefs close and be ready to defend them at any moment when those thoughts and beliefs change for any reason a battle is unleashed internally.  You start to think and see things differently, but you do not feel like you have a new set of absolutes to share.  You cannot state new opinions or beliefs until you feel ready to defend them at all costs.  You may leave the ideas and thoughts behind, but the practice of having to battle with facts, points, and verses can be so deeply engrained in the mind no matter what you do you cannot break free from it.  This is what has been going on with me for the past 5-6 years.  My views and opinions changed, but my need to not announce that until I have ALL my facts, and my points backed by truth and evidence kept me from sharing or allowing others to join me on this journey.  Instead of sharing my process of how I was growing and evolving, I felt like I had to just emerge a fully formed new person.  I can imagine this was very confusing to so many in my orbit!

Instead of just saying, “I know longer feel that way” or “I am starting to see things differently here” I just sat silent and clocked in my mind who was safe and who was not for me to share my thoughts and changing opinions too. This just left me more isolated and scared to speak up even more without having a fully backed opinion and thought.  This all slowly changed the older I got and more I separated internally from the faith and politics of my raising.  I could no longer continue in the same direction.  I slowly spoke up more and more in relationships with friends and family and it has cost me dearly.  My little family of 5 left a church where we had called home for years to find a faith that would not feel so wrong and closed off.  This led to us visiting so many churches that where considered the cool, hip, everyone is welcome here kind; only to find that those slogans were not the whole story, they hid absolutes and views we strongly disagreed with.  I leaned into saying and thinking and celebrating “I Do Not Know!”  I welcomed living in the gray area.  Where it was freeing to admit you were uncertain, questioning, searching, and happy!  I was taught that area should be scary, a slippery slope, and full of turmoil, but I was not experiencing that for the most part.  I felt free!

 Except I was keeping these changes very inward and close.  Only seen by my household and sister who I could converse openly about.  So, while internally I felt free, externally I was isolated.  We as a family had been cut off and ostracized from a community, we thought we were loved in.  I saw my kids firm up in what they saw and believed but be in the position of being at odds with those around them and having strained relationships.  It is interesting how when your politics or opinions on politics change how it slowly changes every aspect of your life.  The same goes for faith and religion.  When you no longer hold on so tightly to absolute truths and beliefs it then changes how you interact and move in the world.

In hindsight I wish I would have been more open with others during the process of changing and reformulating my beliefs.  Then maybe it would not have been such a shock when I started voicing opinions and beliefs.  Instead of hearing friends say to me, “When did you lose your faith” or “My Kirsten it is so sad to see how quickly and suddenly you abandoned your beliefs,” They would have seen that this was a long journey.  A period of years where I wrestled with ideas and ideologies, read life stories different from my own, spoke to people who experienced the world differently and learned from them.  It took letting go of my absolutes and turning to others with an open heart and mind and truly hearing and seeing them.   It took me letting go of “this or that” thinking and replacing it with “This and that” “both and” thinking.  I am still on this journey of growth and change.  I am dismantling my views on race, religion, role of government, and gender roles.  I am not going to process this anymore alone.  I am going to try and write it out.  Share my journey and my questions.  I process and think through issues all day long and in order to get out of my head I am going to try and process through writing and sharing the journey.  I may not have stuff to share daily, odds are it will be a weekly or bi-weekly share time.  

My only goal and expectation is to be honest with what I am learning and share the journey because I can’t be alone on this journey anymore.