I Am The Mom....

 "Parents are not the exact same people to each of their children"

I am coming up on an ending. In May, my 19 year old will embark on a new journey, again.  I have had 6 glorious, stressful, laugh filled months with all three of my children under my roof.  There have been fights but also lots of hugs and cherished moments.  And I know the clock is ticking down to another long goodbye.

I know because I can feel it in my body.  I can feel the tears sting my eyes when I catch her snuggling her baby brother or after she leaves the house with the one she shares so many inside jokes with to go get a slushie.  I feel the catch of my breathe in my throat and my mind saying let it go when I want to scream because literally ALL the cups are scattered across her floor.  I find myself storing up smiles, her voice, her enthusiasm and quest for adventure.  Then I find myself thinking through all the "what-ifs" the scary scenarios only a lunatic would sit with and give mental realty too! 

Since she has been in charge of her future, since we (the parents) let go of the reigns and realized "This is her epic journey, Her life"  our job is not to write it for her but be honored to be able to witness it, other people outside our family of 5 have remarked "How scared", "How Brave", or "How cool" we must be to be in their words OK with letting her go.  This has really gotten me self reflecting on how we got to this point.  What kind of mom just lets her19 year old go free into the world, but have other children who have only spent the night away from home at immediate families houses?

I heard the quote I opened this post with in an episode of one of my favorite Podcasts, Kelly Corrigan Wonders.  After she said it I literally stopped in my tracks.  I began to think back over my life as a parent to this free-spirit and how I was the same mom, with the same rules, but yes I am a totally different parent to her than the man-boy or the boy who brings joy!  

The free-spirited girl and I grew up together.  I had barely entered into my twenties when she was born so together we grew and figured ourselves and our worlds out.  I made so many mistakes and made so much up as a went along (Cue 'Does Anyone Have A Map' off of  Dear Evan Hansen Soundtrack!)   At times I was so self obsessed that I didn't really notice the little person I was growing.   I was too new and young as a parent I guess to be scared or concerned of the "what if's" I always trusted she knew what she could handle and she never gave me much reason to doubt or question her.  That isn't to say she didn't screw up, or get hurt; those are inevitable in life, but she always bounced back and owned up to her shortcomings and attempted to learn from them.  This free-spirited girl exuded a confidence and self assuredness that told me she had this, and I believed her. 

By the time my second child was born I thought I knew what I was doing.  I was older and wiser.  However this boy rocked me in ways his sister never had.  I found myself as a mom who was literally fighting to keep her son alive at times.  I became an advocate mom, an appointment and medicine tracking mom, a mom who could not let things fall through the cracks.  I learned to rely on my strength and focus. I felt this child needed more from me than the free spirited one.  By nature a life of long appointments and doctor visits  equals more time together; and this boy and I ended up meshed together in some ways for survival.  I made sure he was thriving and he gave me a purpose and something to fight for. 

Then came the boy full of joy.  By the time of his birth I was most definitely older and wiser.  I had learned how fast the precious moments fly by.  I had learned to not sweat the small stuff and not fret over tasks; to just soak it up.  I knew not to waist money on mom and me gymnastics or music classes; just play together!  I had already learned the hard lessons raising his adoring older siblings so he got a more confident and self aware mom.  

To each of my three I am still mom.  I am still the woman who hears certain songs and cries.  I am still the woman who fixes their dinner and does their laundry.  I am still the mom who worries, nit-picks, over analyzes, and often kills the fun.  But each one of  my kids have met a different person in their mom.  It is easier to be the watcher of the epic journey when you haven't literally heard that child code in the back of an ambulance on the way to the Children's hospital.  It is harder to let the child you create weekly medicine lists for and hold hands with as labs are drawn each month plan a cross country trip into the unknown.  

So as these days before my free spirit goes off in exploration of her place in the world tick away I ask myself  "Am I crazy?"  "Should I be more worried" or "Would I even let her brother consider this path?" and if not "What does this say about me?"  I will sit with these questions, and over analyze all the possibilities while I lay in bed at night.  I can only hope as my children grow and meet new versions of me along the way, I am the right version they need at the right time.  I hope I am exactly who they need in a mom and can be there letting them know that I will cheer them on along each of their journeys.

As this last month before departure starts, I will sit with all the feels!  I will cry, I will be a bit moody some days and ecstatic on others.  I will smile and laugh and cry and worry. I will soak up the hugs, the late night talks, and cherish it all.  In that way I am the same person to each of them.  I will observe and I will witness it all.

I am the mom who willingly lets her free spirit trek across the country because that free spirit knows she can do it, and the mom believes her.